My Weight Journey

I was going to call this post "my weight loss journey", but I haven't really lost any weight over the past two and a half  years. I've struggled with being overweight most of my adult life, starting with about 5 years of college during which I spent most of my time on my butt doing administrative work in front of a computer desk during the day and sitting again while taking my coursework classes at night. The sad thing is that I remember being unhappy about my body even before then. I look back on that time and think, how silly! I was one fine-lookin' girl... I've never been what you'd call "thin" - I was one of those girls who matured early and the boys definitely took notice. When I look at my photos from middle school and high school, I cannot imagine why I thought I was fat (other than the fact that I didn't look like the models in Seventeen Magazine.) I was well-proportioned, curvy and pretty. And here, I thought the guys loved me because I could make 'em laugh! Ha ha ha ha! I wasn't a sporty girl - never did soccer or track or swimming, but I loved to dance and was on the drill team and cheer squad. I took jazz dance classes, tap, ballroom, hip hop, and even belly dance - I've always loved it, and that explains why I enjoy Zumba so much now. It kills me to think I actually drank Slim Fast shakes in high school to "lose my belly". I had no idea what having a belly meant back then. I found out what a true belly was after having three pregancies followed by c-section recoveries.
A few years ago, we went through the process to adopt from China. The rules for China adoptions are strict and you need to be pretty healthy for them to deem you fit enough to adopt. One of the requirements was to have a BMI under 40, and I worked my ass off (literally) to get there. We were members at the new YMCA in town and I took workout classes - Zumba, yoga, and a wonderful class called Mind & Body which was a muscle-toning combination of Yoga, Pilates, Tai Chi, and Qi Gong. I went to Weight Watchers. I also did the Belly Fat Cure diet which is mostly a high protein, low carb, barely-any-sugar diet. It is similar to the diet used for diabetics and was very effective for me. I ate special bbq sauce and ketchup that I had to drive miles and miles to buy. I baked cookies sweetened with Xylitol to bring to potlucks. I lost about 30 lbs over about 18 months of consistent dieting and exercise. It was very hard work.
After Alice came home, I had no time to think about my weight. None. We were busy for a full year with doctor visits, moving house to a one-level, coordinating school and care for our other kids, and downsizing everything in order to pay for it all. We had to quit the Y, and cut out a bunch of other expenses. I'm not at all bitter about that - simplifying our lives and getting rid of extras was one of the best things we have ever done for ourselves. But, it did take a toll on my health. I could no longer afford specialty foods and couldn't drive the distance to get them anyway. I was too exhausted to exercise. My weight steadily rose until I was heavier than I ever was when I was pregnant.
At first I ignored this... Yes, it's depressing, but I'll deal with it later. There are more important things to deal with right now... Like broken bones, and treatments, and diaper changes, and late night screaming fits. I knew how much work it had taken to get the weight off before, and I just didn't want to think about it. I had brief times where I would make a conscious effort to watch what I was eating, but mostly that meant that I would either skip meals or deprive myself of dessert or try to choke down my beloved morning coffee without any cream in it. I tried Intermittent Fasting for a couple of weeks, only to find that my weight hadn't dropped even one pound. I bought running shoes and ran... twice. I have never liked running, not even as a child. There were a couple of really low points when I cried about it, but I'm a very practical person and I don't wallow about things like this - I just sucked it up and continued being the mommy and wife I needed to be at the time.
Over the past year, I came up with another excuse: I'm too satisfied in my life to lose weight. Yes, folks. You read that correctly. I'm too satisfied - too happy - too comfortable in my domestic bliss. And for the most part, that's true. I love my relationship with my kids - they are at the perfect age for fun. They are not so young and needy anymore, and not yet teenagers. I'm still enjoying the partial homeschool thing and part-time Montessori with them. I love my relationship with my husband - we have our ups and downs, but after almost 15 years of marriage we are still in love. We still get all smoochy and lovey in front of our kids. We're a good team when it comes to sharing family and household duties. He continues to make me feel sexy even though there is a heck of a lot more of me than there was when we walked down the wedding aisle. Despite the fact that our house is in the middle of a remodel and is constantly a crazy mess, we're happy in our home and are contented with our decisions. We have food to eat and books to read. We have a lovely cat and a few chickens that don't give us much trouble.
And, I even have a fairly positive self-image... I look in the mirror, and I have the nerve to see beauty! I have eyes that are bright and sparkle with mirth, even without makeup. I love that I smile and laugh easily. My arms might not be able to do a pull-up, but they are strong and capable enough to lift my childen, stir a big pot of soup, knead bread, and make something gorgeous out of yarn. My legs and feet might not be able to run a mile, but they allow me to walk and dance and reach things on tip-toe. And even my belly - it may be soft and round, but it carried my three biological babies full-term and provided a resting place for one more.
So I have to admit, things are okay. It has been nice. Comfortable. Happy. Except that I'm not entirely happy, because I still feel too fat and I can't stand seeing that number on the scale.
Since things have settled down a bit, I've been doing a little research. Do you have any idea how many conflicting ideas there are out there about what is healthy to eat and how one should lose weight? I've read books, skimmed websites, and visited my doctor. I've asked friends what they have tried and what has worked for them. Some say fruits and vegetables are the only way to go. Others say fruits and some vegetables have too much sugar and you should stay away from them. Bananas are either a superfood or the most complex carb out there and should be avoided at all cost. Want to lose the belly? Eat only protein and vegetables - lots of meat and cheese and broccoli. But wait - casein will give you cancer, so don't eat meat or milk products or any animal protein at all. In fact, by becoming a vegan you can be "plant strong" and get all the protein you need from a plant-based diet. But, no - some say vegans can't get all the nutrients they need and have to take supplements to avoid becoming weak or anemic. And what if the problem is actually related to gluten? Well then, don't eat anything with wheat in it or you'll be sabotaging your weight loss anyway. Ack! Can someone PLEASE just tell me what and what not to eat?
I've been mulling this over for several months. A few friends recommended some weight-loss programs that are very popular right now... mostly involving supplements or protein meal-replacement shakes. I wanted to start a diet that I can stick to long-term though, and it is important to me to not be popping pills (chemical or natural) in front of my children. I've already made mistakes in being too controlling about what they eat - this stems completely from my own issues surrounding food and I've come to learn that about my parenting and have loosened the reins considerably - now allowing my kids to choose from a variety of healthy snacks and eat whenever they are hungry, unless it's right before dinner or bedtime. Kids are actually very good at regulating their food intake when we let them do it. Since I don't keep junk food in the house, it's fairly easy to keep them on a healthy diet. I don't want them to make unhealthy choices when it comes to food, but it is so hard when I don't have all the answers.
So why have I had so much trouble? I don't really know the answer to that. I've never been a constant snacker. I don't ever buy soda for my home, or potato chips, or candy (unless it's for a holiday celebration.) I eat a pretty balanced diet with small portions and plenty of vegetables. It is true that I live a sedentary life-style - my favorite activities (knitting, spinning, reading, writing) involve sitting for long lengths of time. But, I do work out with some of the moms from school (in the park during the summertime,) go walking when I can, and spend a good bit of time on my feet in the kitchen. Some friends have suggested that I be tested for thyroid issues or get an allergy panel. That may be the next step for me. I've thought about going gluten-free or maybe dairy-free, but I love foods with both and don't seem to have a negative reaction to either of them. I came across this 21-Day Vegan Kickstart and have decided to try it. It's free, and they send daily emails with recipes and a mealplan. I'm not sure if it's the right diet for me, but I'm excited and relieved to be finally doing something and I even have a couple of friends who have committed to doing it along with me. I also printed out the 30-day Ab Challenge and Squat Challenge and I'll be doing those along with my Zumba DVDs. We'll see if it helps me drop some of the weight.
What if it doesn't make any difference?  Will it upset me? Perhaps a little... It can be so frustrating and disappointing to try something new and put the effort in and experience no result. Of course, I'm hoping it will make a difference for the sake of my health. If not, then I'll try something else. Thoughts?